Need more proof that my brain is broken?

Well, I'm totally crazy.  In a kooky way though- not a 51-50 sort of way! ;) 

Every so often something happens that makes me realize on a whole new level how officially wacky my brain is.  Most recently, I received this really awesome gesture from my friend Chris @ A crazy kind of faith.  The first 30 seconds upon seeing that she passed on a "stylish blogger" bloggy award to Sublime Dream, I was all smiles.  Then, when I realized how daunting (?crazy much?) it would be finding friends to pass it on to that don't already have it- I panicked.  Completely frozen, I decided I'd put it off until I had time to scour all my buddy's sites to see who already had it.  Then I thought, "Well you know, I don't want to just be all up on my blog posting without acknowledging the awesome gesture.... and I don't want to sound crazy explaining why something so nice and simple is stressing me out so badly".  So of course, I couldn't be seen again until I made it right.... yeah that makes sense, lol.  Then I kept thinking that if I explained it all, it'd make me come across as all wrapped up in myself.  I have had a long history of coming across the wrong way to people.  (A sore spot that also popped it's head up in the last couple weeks- but that's a whole other post...)  I definitely didn't want that to happen here.

I've thought of so many little things I wanted to blog about over the last couple weeks.... but I felt like I just couldn't until I had finished the passing on of the award first.  I buried my head so deep in the sand to avoid my anxiety.  But now I've got to get over it! =) 

It's yet another effect of the ADD....  Something little that I made bigger and bigger in my head until it's totally overwhelming.  Just like not being able to check my email or voice mails.  That's the worst thing of all I think.  I don't know why, but the sight of a new voicemail sends me nearly into a tizzy.  I've been this way since I was a young teenager.  I think I had bad phone experiences with Jake E. and Matt G. back in junior high school.=)  I seem to have had a ridiculous phone phobia ever since.

I should have brought this up before for behavioral therapy, but I'm kind of thinking I don't know if I'd even be brave enough to face that phobia....  I literally get tightness in my chest and have to take several deep breaths before calling to check my voicemail.  Sometimes, I even panic when I accidentally hit the check voicemail button, and scramble to hit the end button.  My voice mail honestly only gets checked about 5 times a year.  These days, your voice mails delete after a few months of not being checked.  This leaves room for new voice mails on a regular basis.  Sigh.... back in the good old days when cell phones were "new" they just "filled up"; my mail box was simply full all the time.  I loved having a full mailbox.  It meant I could never get a new one to feel anxiety over.

Just yesterday my husband saw a burned C.D. that my friend Ric gave me when I was a teenager.  Written upon it were the bold, underlined words, "CHECK YOU MAIL!!!!!!".   Yes, I've loooong had a problem with social anxiety.  Even though emails from Ric (my best friend at the time) would have made my day, worrying about whatever else may be lurking in there kept me away from my inbox.

I know it makes no sense.  It makes me feel so crazy....  I recently chatted about it with a friend of mine, and I swear I must have made her re-think our friendship!  On the bright side, my sister said she feels the same to a certain degree, so that's a bit of comfort that I'm not totally alone! (For a more hilarious telling of phone phobia tales, visit Ms. Amanda at Life is a Spectrum)

Until I'm brave enough to face the phone phobia; I guess texting is my best friend.  And for now, I need to start making baby steps at getting back into my blog. Aye!


Sarah said...

I LOVE this post. I probably identify and relate to the entire thing. Love you!

Monica said...

Haha! But you wouldn't be Jill without those phobias ;)

Sublime Dream said...

@ Moni- agreed I guess... lol but maybe life would be easier! lol Remember my full vmail box????? =)

Sharde said...

hey! I found your page on SITS, and i love it.
i totally understand what you were saying with making something in your head bigger and bigger until it just seems so bad that you don't even want to think about it, that you can't stop thinking about it! thats the story of my life.
seriously. i feel you sister!

come and visit me at

Ana said...

thank you for this post! not only does this help you but it helps those, like myself, who have left the voicemails and felt kind of hurt when days, weeks, months passed with no return call. I had no idea this is what goes through your head when you hear the voicemail alert! Now I know and understand a bit better ;)love you.

Kristy said...

A sister in neurotic-ism! :) Thanks for visiting on my SITS day!