wow, I could have had another pregnancy almost complete since my last post

Here is a post I wish had been read more.  Not sure totally why.  But I guess mostly I want to make sure others are aware of the things I was not; and to re-assure moms who second guess their guts like I did.

It's been awhile yet again. Life has been up and down. I guess keeping up with this has been an overwhelming thought for me. =)
I have no free time really, so I guess that would be why.

Since my last post- right about that time actually- K started the Early Intervention program. Every moment I've had since then has been spent working with him and his therapy strategies.

He appeared to have many autistic traits; which is how it all began. Since working on the intervention, he has made leaps and bounds! He is now mostly caught up developmentally. He is behind in some areas but not enough to be considered a delay any longer.

At first I thought he was 100% improved (by my standards he is 500% improved!), but upon seeing him with many of his peers I believe he does have High Functioning Autism. I think had we not had the intervention it would have been worse. Even just looking at pictures now, I feel like I am looking at a different person I knew in another life. Before EI he wasn't making any eye contact. VERY few of our pictures have him looking into the lens. The few there are, are ones I had to twist and contort into place to get with a quick button finger. Now we have MANY smiling photos.

Adding my second son to the mix has meant even less time for myself and things like my blog. I look at his gorgeous smile and have mixed feelings most days. He will be six months old soon. I see his smiles and interaction and see Kekito's same faces and babbling. It makes me sad that those days are gone. It makes me happy that I have an easy reminder to help me remember those beautiful moments. It makes me happy to see how much closer K has gotten back to that. It makes me sad once more to realize that Danny may loose those same moments with me. K did not begin having problems until around seven months old. I look forward to seeing Danny grow, but hold my breath and dread the few coming months. Being a boy, being in NJ, being the sibling of K; combined all make him at a higher risk. It has been such a challenge. I cry often about the future K could have had and wonder what it will be like for him. I see there is still potential for a bright future, but will it be reached? Will he be happy? I want him to be able to have a family and love the way that I love. I don't want to see him hurt by the shunning of his peers (as it is already happening, and breaking my heart). I don't want to see Danny go through the same.

It's hard to wonder over and over if any of it is my fault. I feel such immense guilt. I know there are genetic factors likely, but I believe it was largely linked to a lack of iron (long story). All the time lines add up perfectly to that as a cause to trigger it. I saw a special on PBS about genetics. It talked about things being in your DNA but with an "Off switch", and explained that certain triggers turn the switch "On". I think a lack of Iron turned Autism on. I bounce back and forth between blaming myself and my pediatrician. I should have listened to my gut. He rubbed me wrong at every visit, and I kept meaning to switch....

I know that beating myself up won't change it. But the fact that autism won't change means I'll probably never stop.

At least with Danny I know to listen to my gut more and not make the same mistakes. This time around, I know what I am looking for. I am forever grateful to God for giving K a playmate to always love him.


AngieB said...

I love this post! You're right, it is one that deserves to be read by more people. It's great to hear about kids making big improvement, and I think we can't remind each other often enough to trust our instincts.

Lani said...

Glad to hear he has improved! Don't beat yourself up- you were a vigilant mom and got him the help he needs, which is why he's doing so well now.

Tiffany said...

This is definitely a post that more people should be reading! "Trusting your gut" is the best piece of advice for new moms, hands down.

Guilt is pretty much a useless emotion- sounds to be like your boy is very lucky to have a mom who intervened to get him the help he needed!